You’re my boy, blue …

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My fish died this weekend.

Back story: About 5 years ago Jason & I bought a few cheap freshwater fish for a 15 gallon aquarium we had. Flash forward to this weekend…

As of this weekend, 2 of the original fish (yes, from 5 years ago!) were still alive and kicking. One was a blue gourami and one still is a silver dollar. We’ve since added another gourami, but he doesn’t matter for this story. These fish thrive in a tank I’ve never cleaned (somehow the water stays clear and clean … aliens). They can go days without food or days and days with too much food. They are the best fish ever.

I’ve known blue fish was not doing well for a few weeks. He’s been laying on his side a lot. Or, laying on the bottom.

Saturday I went to feed them, and I was pretty sure he’d finally given up the sushi. He was whiter than usual and laying in the middle of the tank. But, again, he’s been doing a lot of “sleeping” lately.

The thing about trying to grab a dead fish from a hexagonal tank filled with fake plants and big rocks is that you kinda have to flick the fish to get it into the net … which makes the fish look like it’s swimming … which makes you think maybe it’s not dead since all it’s been doing is lying around so maybe it really was just sleeping … I did about 5 minutes of this grotesque dead fish ballet until I finally managed to get him out of the water and confirm that he was, in fact, dead. There’s no real end to this story. Just a weird memorial to my fish.

Hi I’m…

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So, why does everyone think my name is Lori? I can sometimes understand if they read it wrong. But, I get called Lori even when I meet someone in person. And sometimes even when I correct them. Lori? Lorin. Loreee? LorIINNN. Oh, Laaaauuuren. -_- yeah, sure…

Stupid Jaguars

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First of all, worst team in the league (unless they win, in which case they’re the best team EVAH).

Second, we enjoyed our day at the game (not really. It sucked butts because there were too many Saints fans and we lost.). The best part was a sweet fight between a cop and a drunk-ass Saints fan who decided he wasn’t gonna let The Man get him down. I think they (I say they because about 2 seconds after the cop got up there it turned into a whole scene and a bunch of other very large dudes jumped to the cop’s aide and took dude TO THE GROUND – face first into the concrete) tazed the dude at one point. It was pretty sweet.

Third, the sun and excitement (and beer) tuckered Jason out. So, I painted all his toenails AND fingernails. He’s gonna be a pretty lady at work tomorrow.

Nigella Awesome, more like

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In case you don’t know, there is a TV cook named Nigella Lawson. I love her. Her food always looks really yummy and not at all good for you, which is perfect. She made this on today’s episode. It was about quick dinners … DINNERS:

http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/nigella-lawson/caramel-croissant-pudding-recipe/index.html

Why yes, that URL DOES say caramel croissant pudding … for dinner. YES!!! Genius

0K … well hello there little guy

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First of all, how have I never noticed that OK looks like a little sideways person?
ok
ok
ok
ok

They’re marching!!

Second, I thought you’d want to know I haven’t been pooped on in a few days. So, I’ve got that going for me, which is nice.

Third, we went to an Oktoberfest celebration this weekend with some friends (gotta get a jump on the crowd, naturally. Oktoberfest hipster). The following things happened: I ate 3 feet of pretzel baguette and at least 3 kinds of sausages. Jason danced to Beer Barrel Polka all by himself (I don’t mean without me. I mean he danced by himself on the empty dance floor) – it was lovely. There was a woman dressed as a giant pretzel with mustard hat. The Oompa band played (among other amazing hits) the ChaCha song, Fuck You by Ceelo and Hot Hot Hot (complete with conga line). So, basically it was exactly what I imagine the real Oktoberfest is like.

I’m gonna need Artemis to help solve this one …

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Spoiler Alert: If you’ve seen Always Sunny in Philadelphia, you’ll know where this is going.

So, as soon as I started this blog, suddenly all the hilarious antics I used to deal with ended. All my funny things disappeared … until last night.

Backstory: My 2 dogs are a-holes. I love them VERY much, but they are a-holes. That’s just how it is. Lilly learned to bark from the neighbors dog, and now it’s her favorite thing to do. She is more stubborn than me. And, she refuses to wear outfits! But, I don’t want to get off track because this story isn’t about Lilly. It’s about Buster.

Buster is a rescue baby. He is very possibly the worlds sweetest dog … mostly. All he wants to do is sit in your lap like a sweet kitty. He gets a little gangsta on the other dogs sometimes when there are toys around. But, with his abusive upbringing, that’s how it is. (He’s like Will Ferrell’s character in The Other Guys.) The other issue we have with him is that he’s not housebroken. He’s good about it a lot and getting better, but he doesn’t like grass. And, if it’s wet, then forget about it because he ain’t going. He’ll stand there, butt hole poking out (like, no jokes, poking out…it’s crazy… it’s like a second tail!) because he has to go so bad, staring at you. It’s kinda maddening. But, he’s so sweet the rest of the time that I can’t stay mad. Recently he’s taken to pooping in the flower bed. Poor flowers all covered in poop…

Anywhooooo, last night it rained steadily all evening. So, long story short, the puppies weren’t taken out appropriately (I’m not saying this whole thing is Jason’s fault, but it is…). ok. here we go…

I woke up this morning (I lay on my side) with something hard poking me in the hip. I sleep kinda like Princess and the Pea – individual grains of sand can RUIN it for me. So, I’m thinking maybe it’s a clump of dirt or an acorn…I don’t know…

I reach down in my 6:00 a.m. haze and pull out a FUCKING POOP LOG!!! At some point in the night, the dog shit UNDER THE COVERS. It had enough time to dry that it wasn’t smeared everywhere (thank jeebus for small miracles) and I had rolled onto it.
I’m going to give everyone a minute with this….

….

….

So, of course, I laid there for a second trying to process it all. I think at one point I though maybe I’d just lay there until it was time to get up – after all I’d obviously been sleeping on it for a while … Instead, I got up and turned on the lights to make sure it was a turd (it was) and to make sure Jason was awake by telling him Buster crapped in the bed.

Then, since it was morning, I peed (poop still on the bed). Thennnnn, I was going to grab a piece of toilet paper to get the poop with, but decided not to waste the paper (I’d already grabbed the loaf once, right, so why worry about the second time?) and went back to the bed and bare-hand grabbed the poop. It’s currently sitting in the trash can in my bathroom. I thought about taking a picture to share (with a black bar over it, of course, to keep from offending anyone!).

Secretly, I have my doubts that it was Buster … Jason, I’m watching you …

Thanks for noticing

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So, my sister cut about 2 inches off my hair (which was already pretty short to start, so 2 inches is a pretty big deal). It’s not that she’s a hairdresser or anything, I’m just not super picky about my haircuts … it doesn’t hurt that she almost always does a great job. Except once when we had both had a few beers (weird, I know right?!) beforehand, but whatever

My hubby didn’t notice. Thanks Tinkface…